...this post will have no pictures.
That's not because it's not important, though. It's just hard to take a picture of something that's happening in your soul. It's hard to even imagine a physical manifestation of a soul...and that's coming from someone who can imagine a physical manifestation of just about every conceived idea.
Are you confused yet? Hang on, because we're only just beginning.
I always feel like I need to explain myself when I haven't kept to my commitments of blogging frequency. I said, some time ago, that I would do my best to blog twice a week. For those of you keeping track at home...I have not quite achieved that goal, especially within the past month. I could go on about the busyness of being a newlywed, and how I can't tear myself away from daydreaming of, or flirting with, or talking to, or making dinner for my husband - and while it's true that all of those things are going on and are very time consuming, they don't quite answer the "Why?" of my not being here.
So allow me to answer. Why haven't I answered the tug of my commitment...why have I resisted posting here?
To be honest, I have struggled lately with the worthiness of this sort of pursuit. I have found myself asking why I even bother with blogging. Hear me out. This is not a boo-hoo-I-only-have-seven-followers-and-nobody-links-to-my-blog-on-Pinterest-searching-for-a-pity-comment post. In fact, in the short time that this blog has been up and running, it has already far exceeded the amount of hits that my other blog received in three times the length of existence. I have no reason for a pity post, and I am grateful for all seven of my followers. This is not like that at all. This is me struggling with philosophy, with life....with purpose.
I'm not just wondering why I blog. I'm wondering why I...do anything. I'm wondering why we're putting so much into a house, a wedding, a kitchen, a date night. What is the point?
A lot has been going on under the surface. Under my surface. My soul has been tugged at by things outside of itself over the last month in a way that is refreshing and exciting while also heartbreaking and exhausting.
This could be happening because a lot has also been going on above the surface. I did just get married, after all, and that has come with it's own set of wows, whys, and whats. Beyond that, my mom recently was hospitalized in a very scary and very confusing blur of heart issues. I still have no real idea what is going on with her health. Within my community, I have been given a front row seat to heartbreak in the lives of several of my friends and their families. People are hurting desperately. Outside of my community...people are being gunned down in movie theaters.
There's a restlessness growing, isn't there? Can't you feel it?
When I consider all of that...and then sit down to blog about crafting and house remodeling, it makes me feel foolish. I feel as if I am soldiering on in the world of the trivial in bold defiance to the fact that there is a real world that is hurting and needing.
I just needed some time to allow my heart to come around.
I know that blogging is not evil, or even necessarily trivial. I know that writing, especially writing in the pursuit of keeping in touch with my friends, is important to me. It is a task that has been impressed upon my soul that I will not ignore. I know that I receive a great deal of enjoyment out of the idea that you receive a moment's worth of enjoyment by reading something here.
I also know, however, that this is only a part of my life, and if my blog never makes it big, and is never a part of someone's blog roll, that will be okay. This is not my purpose.
My purpose is to glorify Christ, and to experience the freedom and love that He has given me in a way that will show a world full of pain and violence that they can also take part in that freedom and love.
I hope that you can glimpse just a portion of that purpose here, even if I do not explicitly outline the Gospel in every post.
I'll be back later today with a second post (fear not, it will be short), participating in a "Weekly Five," but before I did I just wanted to get this straight.
I know my purpose. In a world of confusion and loss...I am steady and found. It is the most liberating thing in the whole world.
Do you know your purpose?
I read your blog too :) Although I never really comment.ReplyDelete
I completely understand your struggle. I feel like in high school the whole focus was on figuring out "who you are" and once you think you have that figured out, you go to college and realize that it's a constant pursuit. Now that I'm in the "real world" with a job, a husband, and a baby on the way, figuring out why I'm here and not who I am is more pressing and much less self-centered. Granted it is still a constant pursuit that requires remembering who you are.
I love you and your thoughts. I had a somewhat similar (and yet distinct) moment, a very odd one, not long ago. I was washing my hands and I looked at myself in the mirror, and very suddenly the fact that I am myself and nobody else, that I am the protagonist of my own life, was an absolutely stunning fact. It was as though my skin didn't quite fit for a moment or two. And it was the strangest thing to me at that moment, that I can walk around my house and not marvel at the hands that wash dishes and fold clothes, because they're mine. The idea of the individual in a whole world of individuals is staggering to me at times. I don't know how to explain it any more than that. Thanks for your post. This is not a pity comment, as you well know. I miss you, friend.ReplyDelete
love this. love you.ReplyDelete
Love you girl - keep blogging - I signed up to have it sent to my email so I don't miss any!!! Glad your mom is home and praying she is better! Jesus is definitely glorified in all that you do!ReplyDelete